The Tick Versus 3rd Earth - Chapter 3
By Bill Taylor
The Tick Versus 3rd Earth
By Bill Taylor
Chapter 3: The Tick VS The Mutants
“Thissss wassss too eassssy, yessss!” said Slythe. “All we had to do wassss
knock down ssssome loussssy treessss, yessss!”
“So gloat about it, why don’t ya.”
“Now with thesssse three in our possssessssion (possession), all we have to do
is ranssssom (ransom) them off for the Ssssword Of Omenssss, yessss!”
“But Slythe! I want to have my fun first! You said I could! You promised me!”
“Oh, alright Jackalman, but be quick about it, yessss. Ssssometimessss, you
dissssgusssst (disgust) even me, yessss.”
“You don’t have to look! Just hold the little Thunderbrat in place while I go to
work!” Jackalman grinned at Wilykit wickedly and the Thunderkitten got a very
bad feeling in her stomach. And that wasn’t the only place.
“CAW! Can’t this wait?” Vulture Man squawked.
Vulture Man stepped aside and leaned up against a tree while Monkian and
Slythe unchained Wilykit and pinned her to the ground below Jackalman.
“I love ‘em when they’re young!”
“Jusssst do it! Yessss!”
“Hey wait a minute!” Wilykit protested. “Don’t I get a say in this?”
“No! Just shut up and sit there like a good girl!” sneered Jackalman.
“Can’t we talk about this?”
“Hey leave her alone!” yelled Wilykat.
“HOO-HOO, let’s sell him to Luna! She’d love to have someone who isn’t
that much bigger than her! HOO!”
“Luna? EWW! I so deserve better her!” Wilykat yelled offended.
“Hey! There’s only room for one child molester on this planet and that’s me!”
Jackalman said defensively.
“You can’t do this to me!”
“I can, I will, and there’s nothing you can do about! So just lay back and
“You just wait till I tell Lion-O! Him and Bengali will pound your skinny ass!”
“Let them try! I know Lion-O is bound to get jealous after all the times he’s
give you a taste of his quote unquote sword and Bengali gave you a taste of his
quote unquote hammer! NYAHAHA!”
“They aren’t like that at all!”
“Oh really? I guess that’s when the others aren’t looking! Namely, when
Lion-O isn’t [BLEEP]ing Cheetara and Bengali isn’t out [BLEEP]ing Pumyra!
And that’s only when our gay architect friend over there isn’t trying to get
Bengali into bed with him! NYAHAHAHAHA!”
“I am not gay!” Tygra yelled defensively, struggling to get out of his own whip.
“Just leave the girl alone!”
“CAW! That’s right! I saw him involved in a Warrior Maiden orgy once!”
squawked Vulture Man.
“Lies! I’m just friends with them!”
“Sssshut up Tygra! Yessss! You’re just dragging this out! The ssssooner
(sooner) Jackalman getssss sssstarted (started) the ssssooner we can all get
“Thank you, Slythe! And now…!” Just as Jackalman was about to whip out
his quote unquote equipment, a 7’0”, 400 lbs shadow topped off by antennae
loomed over his 5’5”, 90 lbs weakling form and those of the other, bigger,
“Spoon!” yelled the shadow once known far and wide all over the world as the
Jackalman looked over his shoulder and started and immediately started
whimpering in fear. Tick grabbed Jackalman by the face and threw him into the
bushes. Vulture Man’s beak dropped. Tygra’s mouth dropped while Wilykat
just looked on without word and Monkian started hooting wildly.
“Holy sssshit yessss!”
Tick reached forward, grabbed Slythe and Monkian by the heads and threw
them away, allowing Wilykit to run over to Tygra and Wilykat and help them
out of their ties that bind them.
Monkian was first back on his feet and immediately punched Tick in the face.
His blow had little to no effect. Tick stepped on Monkian’s foot and used it to
hold him there while Tick started pummeling him in the face with his fists like he
was a speed punching bag.
Slythe saw this and waddled over to help just as Monkian collapsed. Slythe hit
Tick in the back of his head, and his blow had little to no effect. Tick threw his
elbow back and hit Slythe square in the face, knocking him over.
Vulture Man ran out and demonstrated some surprising flexibility by kicking
Tick in the face with a karate kick, the benefits of studying and observing
Panthro. Vulture Man kicked Tick again, and this time, Tick grabbed him by
the beak and threw him away like a bag of garbage, knocking him into Slythe.
Tick saw Jackalman stand up from the bushes disoriented and decided to
punish him further. “Pervert! Prepare to taste the cold wrath of the hand of
justice!” Jackalman was about to run away, but Tick grabbed him by the balls.
Jackalman screamed an effeminate scream that would make a woman’s scream
seem masculine by comparison. Tick shoved Jackalman into a busted tree
stump that had rotted away inside and was full of bugs eating away with it. Tick
started pummeling Jackalman’s balls just as he had pummeled Monkian’s face.
The Thundercats, finally free, watched with a sense of awe and also horror.
Wilykit grinned, Wilykat cupped his hand protectively over his own balls, and
Tygra simply shut his eyes as Tick rammed his fists a few last times into
“I’ll… g-g-g-get… y-y-you… f-f-f-for… t-t-t-this,” Jackalman managed to
mutter allowed in a high-pitched voice.
Tick walked over to the Thundercats who looked at him with dropped mouths.
At first, Tick thought he was seeing things, but then he knew for sure that these
citizens he had just rescued were indeed cat people. One a large tiger man, the
other two, kids, looked like some kind of cross of lion and tiger (but no bear!
“Holy cow!” exclaimed Tick.
“No, we’re Thundercats, not holy cows,” corrected Tygra. “But who are
“I am the Tick! Champion of justice!” An aura of sunlight beamed down on
him, giving the Tick an almost godlike look.
“You don’t look like a tick, Tick,” said Wilykat.
“Oh not this again,” Tick groaned. This wasn’t the first time someone had given
him a hard time about the fact that he didn’t look much like the noble arachnid
tick whose name he so proudly wore. “Look I have antennae, isn’t that
“Ticks suck blood. Do you suck blood?”
“EWW! That is so gross, Wilykat!” screeched Kit.
“Hey, I’m just checking.”
“No. Just cause I call myself the Tick doesn’t mean I suck blood. Spider-Man
didn’t have eight legs and arms, did he?”
“I don’t know. I never met Spider-Man.”
“Well, he didn’t. My friend and sidekick Arthur was supposed to be a moth,
but he didn’t look like a moth. He looked more like a flying rabbit, cause he
“Oh…” Wilykat had no idea what Tick was talking about.
“Never mind. Who are you fair citizens?”
“We’re not citizens, we’re Thundercats. I’m Tygra. These are Wilykit and
“Which is which?” asked Tick.
“I’m Wilykit,” said the girl with the black stripe up her hair. “He’s Wilykat.
You can tell cause he has Tygra’s hair cut.”
“Fair enough. Do you know where a superhero could crash for a few days and
catch up on stuff?”
“Sure, you can come with us!” said Wilykit.
“Oh come on Tygra! He saved our lives!” said Wilykat.
“He saved me from being molested, or raped, or whatever you want to call it!”
“Well, I guess we can take him to the Cat’s Lair.”
“Ooh, Cat’s Lair. I like that sound.”
“Problem is how are we going to get our tank up and going again?” Tygra
looked over, surveying the trapped tank.
“Give me a minute.”
“What’s he gonna do?” asked Wilykat as Tick walked over to the tank. “Pick
up the trees and throw ‘em away one by one?”
That’s exactly what he did. One by one, Tick picked up the trees and tossed
them into the forest and off the roadway where the tank had to travel. Never
had the three seen such power in one being.
“Wow! He’s stronger than Panthro!” yelled Wilykat.
“He’s stronger than Lion-O!” yelled Wilykit.
“He’s stronger than Panthro and Lion-O put together! Let’s just leave it at
that!” suggested Tygra.
“There Thundercat citizens! Your mode of transportation is free!” Tick yelled.
Tygra and the kids walked over and stepped in to start up the engine. When
the engine wouldn’t start, Tygra peered under the hood and found that the
motor had been damaged by the trees. “Damn. The trees busted the motor.
“Don’t curse around kids,” said Tick.
“Now how are we gonna get home?” asked Wilykit.
A few minutes later, Tick had the mutants chains tied around his arms and
waists, and was pulling the Thunder Tank forward like some horse pulling a
wagon or an elephant pulling a giant caravan. Wilykit, Wilykat, and Tygra sat in
the drivers seat while the mutants were all tied up in the cargo hold.
To Be Continued...
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