Mystery G.I.JOE Theater 3000
By Bill Taylor
Mystery G.I.JOE Theater 3000
Note: Just the state required reminder that this is fan fiction and is not meant to
be taken seriously. I didn’t create Thundercats, G.I. JOE, or Mystery Science
Theater 3000 (MST3K from here on in, as that is the fan acronym for it).
Thundercats was created by the late Ted Wolf and is copy righted to
LORIMAR Television and Rankin-Bass productions. G.I. JOE is a long
running toy that belongs to Hasbro and was a cartoon show in the 80’s
produced by Sunbow. MST3K was created by comedian Joel Hodgson, who
also hosted the show before giving host duties over to his head writer Michael
J. Nelson, simply known to us fans as Mike. So to Joel and Mike, and all their
Kevin Murphy, Jim Mallon, Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff, Patrick Brantseg,
Paul Chaplin, Bridget Jones, Mary Jo Peahl, Bill Corbett, and to the good
people of Best Brains Productions (which owns the show), please don’t be
angry with me for borrowing your premise and some of your jokes. It’s all
meant in good humor.
COBRA forces ambushed G.I. JOE.
COBRA forces got bashed up real bad by G.I. JOE and retreated, but three
JOES were capture, G.I. JOE 2nd In Command Duke, his lady friend Scarlett,
and G.I. JOE soldier of fortune Gung Ho.
Duke woke up and found himself in a steel room with Scarlett and Gung Ho.
His head hurt, and his eyes were blurry and had to blink a couple of times to
readjust. “Scarlett? Gung Ho? You two alright?”
Scarlett stirred and managed to sit up. “Yeah… I think so.”
“Nothin’s broken,” groaned Gung Ho.
“Glad to see you’re awake!” the familiar voice Cobra Commander’s hissed
over a radio. Then a big screen TV was lowered down through the window,
and Cobra Commander appeared on the screen.
“Cobra Commander!” the three JOES noted.
“Yes, it is I! Cobra Commander, future leader of the world!
HAHAHAHAHAHA! You are my prisoners, and are now going to help me
with my latest scheme for world domination!”
“Oh, I haven’t explained? I guess I should! I would hate to leave you in the
dark about the project we have in store for you three!” hissed Cobra
“Get on with it, Cobra Commander!” yelled Scarlett. “Don’t keep us in
“We have in our possessions now, some of the most ridiculous shows ever to
come onto day time TV! One of these shows will no doubt be so terrible in
animation, so dumb in plot, so lackluster in action, that enough of the right bad
show will no doubt break the will of the world! You 3, Duke, Scarlett, and
Gung Ho, will be our test subjects! HAHAHAHAHA!”
“I don’t know about you, but us Joes, we ain’t no one’s guinea pigs!” grunted
“You’ve lost it, chrome dome!” Duke yelled.
“Oh have I Duke? You should see the stuff we’ve got over here! It’s enough to
rot anyone’s brains! Just look at the Dread Knocks!” Cobra Commander
pushed a button and the picture changed to that of a room with the Dread
Knocks, Buzzer, Cutter, Monkey Wrench, and even Zarana and Zartan,
huddled around a TV set watching Transformers.
“Get him, Megatron!” rooted Buzzer. “Get him! Get him!”
“No!” protested Cutter. “Damn that Optimus Prime! Why? Why do the bad
guys always have to lose Zartan? Why?”
“I don’t know!” yelled Zartan. “It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”
“I’m hardly surprised or impressed,” said Duke trying to sound bored. “The
Dread Knocks have brains the size of peanuts.”
“Silence, Duke!” hissed Cobra Commander. “You’ll be begging me to let you
eat those words once we’re done with you! Your experiment today is an
episode of the cult TV series Thundercats, episode Return To Thundera! Don’t
miss the plot holes of time travel or missing genitalia! But I don’t want to give
too much away! Push the button, Dr. Mindbender!”
“Doesn’t he ever notice that he sounds like a complete idiot sometimes?”
“No, and no one’s gonna point it out to him because its just too damn funny
listening to him make an idiot out of himself.”
Then the room started shaking and a bunch of lights went flickering on and off
around the three Joes.
“What is that?”
“It’s some kind of… movie signs!”
As the room shook and turned, the three JOES found themselves flung through
seven doorways into a theater where they sit in three seats down near the right
of the theater, with Scarlett on the left, Duke on the right, and Gung Ho in the
middle. The lights go down and the three JOES become silhouettes against the
The opening scene is set at the foggy site of Castle Plundarr, a big castle with a
demon bat gargoyle thing carved as the doorway.
Scarlett: “Didn’t the Wicked Witch of the West live here?”
We go inside and we see a hairy ape mutant, Monkian, walking down the
hallway from a ceiling shot.
Monkian: “Make way for Lord Slythe, and his high evilness, Mumm-Ra!”
Duke [as Monkian]: “And their little friend Gorgon! Say hello to the people,
Gung Ho [as Gorgon]: “Hello, folks!”
Mumm-Ra is escorted through the hallway by Slythe, a big, fat, hefty lizard
mutant and Jackalman, a short, skinny, 90 lbs weakling dog mutant who is also
a coward to boot. Mumm-Ra is in his diminutive mummy form with a red cloak.
Scarlett: “So that’s what happened to Little Red Riding Hood.”
Mumm-Ra: “This had better be important Slythe, to summon me here in the
dead of night!”
Duke: “I guess even undead mummy priests need their quote unquote beauty
Slythe: “It is important! Most important, Mumm-Ra!”
Gung Ho [as Slythe]: “We’ve got the scripts for next season!”
Slythe, Mumm-Ra, and Jackalman stand in front of a giant door, which the gate
is slowly lifted off of, and are witnessed to the site of a giant robot.
Mumm-Ra: “By the black obelisks! What is it?”
Slythe: “The war-bot, Mumm-Ra! The most awesome invention of Plundarrian
Gung Ho [as Slythe]: “Ya like it? Cost us fifty million Bazooka Joe comic
books. Don’t know how we ever got along without it.”
Jackalman: “There was no time to build it back on Plundarr, but here on 3rd
Earth, it stands complete! Ready to crush those accursed Thundercats in their
Mumm-Ra: “I see, but what can it do that my powers cannot?”
Duke [as Jackalman]: “Well for one thing, it can make popcorn without burning
it to nuclear waste.”
Slythe: “A demonstration, yesssss.”
Slythe pressed a button on a remote, the war robot comes to life, lurches
forward, and shoots gray stuff at a mutant pet named Frog-Dog, turning it into a
statue, just as it was about to run away.
Mumm-Ra: “Impressive, but you will need more than making Frog-Dog into a
statue to defeat those feline heroes.”
Slythe: “Rest assured your high horribleness, it is guaranteed to destroy Lion-O
and his loyal Thundercats!”
Duke [as Mumm-Ra]: “That’s what you said last time!”
The war-bot lurches out of its room and proceeds to leave Castle Plundarr for
the Cat’s Lair.
Scarlett: “I wish I had that thing to drive to school in.”
The scene switches to Cat’s Lair. Lion-O, the Lord of the Thundercats is in a
room with Tygra and Panthro huddling over the time capsule recovered in the
episode Time Capsule (though you probably don’t need to see that one to
really understand this episode; even though both were ridiculously spaced apart
from one another)
Lion-O: “The time capsule! To think it came all the way from Thundera, our
home planet! How does it work?”
Panthro: “It’s a holojector, a perfect model of Thundera.
Panthro turns a switch on the side and the image of a city is projected on the
Lion-O: “It’s beautiful!”
Scarlett: “Oh that thing’s just a collection of photos from their last vacation.”
Tygra: “Incredible! It’s just as I remember it!”
Gung Ho: “I think we missed some stuff.”
A little bit later in the night, Lion-O is on watch, but he is over by the capsule,
and is oblivious to the computer screen indicating the approaching robot.
Lion-O: “I fought that cave man for this capsule, don’t see why I can’t try it
Duke: “But they all tried it out earlier.”
Lion-O reaches down, turns the switch, and the image shines in his face, making
him groan and cover his eyes.
Duke [as Lion-O]: “AHH! It’s a projected image, sapping my strength!
Lion-O falls back and some how he disappears into the image and falls down a
hole of black and bright lights.
All 3 Joes: “OOH, Ah, YEA!”
Gung Ho: “What is he going to Hell?”
Scarlett: “I hope so, then we can get out of here.”
After a shot of the space-time continuum, Lion-O lands in a desert of some
Lion-O: “Where am I? That city, it looks just like the image the time capsule
projected, only more real!”
The light blue ghost of Jaga, Lion-O’s predecessor, appears.
Jaga: “It is real, Lion-O. You have traveled back across time and space. You
are home again, on Thundera. ”
Scarlett: “Alec Guinness?”
Lion-O: “Jaga, you here? But how?”
Jaga: “I am the spirit form of Jaga. I can be anywhere. And I am always near
Gung Ho: “Oh so that’s how that works.”
Duke: “Put some clothes on Grandpa, the neighbors can see you.”
Lion-O: “Thundera, its just as I dreamed it would be.”
Duke [as Lion-O]: “Hey! That’s not the Emerald City!”
Jaga: “It may not be as you imagined it, Lion-O. Take care that your dream
does not turn into a nightmare.”
Jaga wraps his cape around himself and disappears. The ground starts shaking
underneath Lion-O, cracks open, and a giant scorpion like monster jumps out.
Duke [as Lion-O]: “Oh criminey I’ve wondered onto the Super Mario Brothers
2: Mario Madness set.”
Lion-O jumps back, takes out the sword, puts on the claw shield, holds the
sword to his face, his eyes glow, he raises it above his head, and gives it space
to grow to full length.
Scarlett: “Who’s he calling a HO?”
Gung Ho: “First the Obi-Wan Kenobi like guide, and now the growing sword
like a light saber all of sudden. Is there no end to ripping on Star Wars here?”
Lion-O whacks the scorpion monster’s claws with sword, and after a brief
fight, the scorpion goes back into the hole from where it escaped.
Lion-O: “What is happening here on Thundera?”
Jaga: “Simple, Lion-O.” (Jaga reappears) “You have traveled back in time to
the day before the destruction of the planet that was once your home.” (Lion-O
just stares dumbfounded)
Duke [as Lion-O]: “Well why didn’t you tell me that in the first place? Jeez!”
The scene switches back to the Cat’s Lair in the present, with Panthro entering
the control room.
Panthro: “Can’t sleep. My cat sense tells me something’s up.”
Duke: “So what, this guy has some kind of extrasensory perception sense that
alerts him to danger like Spider-Man’s spider sense?”
Panthro: “Lion-O, where is he? Not on watch? That’s unlike him.”
Gung Ho: “Ah, he’s probably guzzling down a keg of beer somewhere.”
Panthro sits down to the computers and sees the image of the war robot coming
towards the Lair.
Panthro: “Mountains of Thundera!” (Panthro presses a button, alerting the other
Thundercats; not too long after, Cheetara, Wilykit, Wilykat, Snarf, and Tygra
Scarlett: “How come that tiger guy only has one shoulder pad?”
Tygra: “What is it, Panthro?”
Panthro: “Whatever it is, it’s BIG, heavily armed, coming straight for the lair.”
Gung Ho [as Panthro]: “It must’ve wandered over from the Voltron set.”
Cheetara: “A giant robot!”
Wilykat: “Yeah, a nightmare version of that reptilian rascal Slythe.”
Duke: “What is that kid high? That robot doesn’t look anything like Slythe!”
Panthro: “Lasers, on target, fire!”
The eyes of the Cat’s Lair light up, and purple beams of energy fire out at the
robot, but the robot sends it back at the lair, and the eyes of the Cat’s Head are
shattered. Inside, Cheetara is thrown to the floor by the shaking of the lair, but
she does not appear hurt.
Cheetara: “Panthro! Tygra!”
Tygra: “Lion-O. Where is he? He abandoned his post.”
Scarlett: “Oh sure! Blame the red head!”
Gung Ho: “What is he asking us if he abandoned his post?”
Cheetara: “He wouldn’t have done that! Something must’ve happened to him!”
Duke [as Tygra]: “Well he could’ve at least left us a posted note on the fridge!”
Gung Ho: “Is she the one Lion-O was talking about earlier when he yelled
Panthro: “Let’s give that big bruiser a taste of the ballista! Fire and Ice! A
Scarlett: “What? They’re gonna throw Tiger Balm at it?”
A catapult shaped like a cat’s head is loaded with a ball of fire and fired at the
war robot. The robot does not stop. Giant shards of ice are fired next, the
robot is briefly frozen, but it quickly shakes the ice off and keeps coming.
Panthro fires a missile and hits the robot near the feet, but the robot keeps
coming. Panthro presses another button and a bunch of chains shot out,
wrapping themselves around the robot, but the robot cuts through the chains
and frees itself.
Tygra: “Growl! That thing has an answer for every gimmick you threw,
Gung Ho [as Panthro]: “Too good to be American craftsmanship, must’ve been
imported from Japan!”
Snarf: “I’d like it better if Lion-O was here! Where is he?”
The scene fades away to Thundera, with a Lair head similar to the one on 3rd
Earth, marking the entryway into the city. Two guards stand vigil, watching as
Duke & Gung Ho [as the Guards]: “Oh We Oh, We Oh, Oh! Oh We Oh, We
(That’s from Wizard Of Oz, in case you were wondering)
Guard #1: “Halt! Who comes?”
Lion-O: “Lion-O, Lord of the Thundercats!”
Guard #1: “Lion-O? Any fool knows old Clawdus is Lord of Thundera!”
Gung Ho: “I Clawdus!”
Lion-O: “I am his son! Let me pass!”
Guard #2: “His son is but a boy! Take him!”
The 3 Joes in unison: “His son is but a boy- Huh?”
Lion-O: “I have little time! Let me pass or I shall use my sword!” (Lion-O takes
the Sword of Omens out of his claw shield)
Gung Ho [as Lion-O]: “My Thundercat sense warns me there’s a commercial
break coming up soon!”
Scarlett: “I didn’t know he was left handed.”
Guard #1: “Sword against ray pistols? This Thunderian is mad!” (The guard
shoots at Lion-O, and Lion-O deflects his blast with the sword)
Duke [as Guard #1]: “Uh-Oh! He managed to block my one single blast! Let’s
get out of here!”
Guard #2: “Wait! Have I not seen that very blade carried by wise Jaga?”
Lion-O: “You have! It is the Sword of Omens! Now let me pass!”
Duke [as Lion-O]: “I’ve got some sissy-ass mutant butt to kick!”
Gung Ho: “But I thought Jaga was a ghost.”
Scarlett: “This is before Jaga died I think, honey.”
Gung Ho: “Oh.”
Guard #1: “Fine! But whoever you are, if you go into the city, you will not come
out alive! We have orders to leave at the next tremor!”
Lion-O: “The Eye of Thundera protect you!” (Lion-O walks past the guards
and into the city)
Gung Ho [as one of the guards]: “I respect him in a funny way.”
Duke: “So what he has to stay in there and die just because the two guards
have to leave?”
Gung Ho: “Maybe they have to lock the doors behind them.”
Shot of Thundera city, in ruins, and getting worse by the minute, junk and debris
from the buildings falling every second.
Scarlett: “Looks like a typical day in California to me.”
Duke: “I’d say it’s more like Japan after a visit from Godzilla.”
Gung Ho: “All I can say is OUCH for both Japan and California.”
Lion-O wanders around for a while, unaware that he’s being stalked by a saber
toothed dog like creature. The saber toothed dog leaps down at Lion-O, and
Lion-O turns around just as he hears the dog growling. The dog lands on
Lion-O and they roll around, Lion-O trying to get the dog off of him.
Scarlett: “Oh, Lion-O he likes you! Oh, such a good doggy, oh such a good
Duke [doing a take on Charlton Heston]: “Get your stinking paws off me ya
damn dirty ape! Or… whatever you are.”
Lion-O: “Kano, no, stop!”
The dog gets off of Lion-O and gives him room to stand up.
Lion-O: “Kano, it’s me, Lion-O!” (Kano jumps up on Lion-O and starts licking
his face) “Kano, you old saber toothed beauty, you remember me!”
All 3 JOES: “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
Kano stands down and walks away, motioning for Lion-O to follow it with his
head and his yelping.
Lion-O: “Oh you me to follow you.”
Duke: “Figured it out all by himself.”
Kano leads Lion-O to a crumbling room where two mutants, Slythe and
Vulture Man, are advancing on Lion-O’s father, Clawdus.
Slythe: “Do not waste what little time remains, Clawdus! Give us what we came
Clawdus: “You mutants are on a useless mission, I have no plans!”
Duke [as Clawdus]: “Other than my retirement fund!”
Slythe: “You lie!” (Slythe whacks his tail against a pot and cracks it against the
Clawdus: “I lost my sight fighting your evil empire! Do you think I fear two such
Gung Ho [as Slythe]: “Well, yeah!”
Slythe: “You cannot see, but you can feel!”
Scarlett: “Slythe no! Oh now he’s really becoming unappealing.”
But before Slythe and/or Vulture Man can do anything, Lion-O rushes in with
Kano and jump them. Kano jumps on Vulture Man, growling and probably
slobbering too, and Vulture Man is unable to get him off. Lion-O charges at
Slythe, but gets knocked down by his tail. Lion-O takes out the Sword of
Omens and starts shooting laser bolt things at Slythe.
Gung Ho: “But Cheetara’s not even around.”
Scarlett: “Oh you stop that!”
The laser bolts are aimed at Slythe’s feet, and he starts switching feet, jumping
up and down almost, trying to avoid getting zapped.
Duke [as Lion-O]: “Dance mutant, dance!”
Slythe eventually falls down, and Vulture Man makes a run for it.
Vulture Man: “Come! Even if the old fool has the plans, they will perish with
Slythe and Vulture Man escape, howling and screaming all the way. Clawdus
pats Kano on the head.
Clawdus: “Kano, you’ve brought a friend to aid me! Who are you?”
Clawdus puts his hand on Lion-O’s shoulder.
Lion-O: “I am Lion-O, your son.” (Lion-O puts his hand on Clawdus’s
Clawdus: “You cannot be, Lion-O is a mere boy. You are a grown warrior.”
(Clawdus runs his hand over Lion-O’s face, and Lion-O smiles at it.)
Gung Ho: “He’s enjoying that a bit too much, I think.”
Scarlett: “What I don’t get is why this guy can’t get it through his head that he’s
in the past and that no one knows him.”
Duke: “What I don’t get is why everyone keeps saying he’s a boy even though
he’s clearly 35.”
Gung Ho: “Well this is probably one of those shows where if you don’t see the
thing from first episode to last episode, then you’ve probably missed out on
Lion-O: “Clawdus, Thundera is doomed, you must leave.”
Kano rubs his head up against Clawdus’s side.
Gung Ho [as Lion-O]: “I’ve only got till the next commercial break to save
Clawdus: “I cannot leave, Jaga’s ship is on the launch pad, it will take my son
and the Thundercat nobles to safety. But the gyro-stabilizer is faulty, and I must
boost its guidance systems from here.”
Lion-O: “But you, how will you escape?”
Gung Ho [as Clawdus]: “Oh uh, I’ll check the manual.”
Clawdus: “A gravity capsule hidden nearby, if there is time.”
Clawdus walks over to a statue, feels around for the button, hits it, out comes a
rolled up piece of paper, and he gives it to Lion-O
Duke [as Clawdus]: “My last will and testament. Make sure its read.”
Clawdus: “Here, what those mutants were looking for. Plans for a Plundarrian
war robot, copied by one of my spies. They may prove useful in another world,
Scarlett: “Now since when do the good guys have spies?”
Duke: “How do you think we know when and where to strike COBRA?”
Scarlett: “Never mind.”
Clawdus hands Lion-O the plans and shakes his hand.
Clawdus: “I thank you for your help. May my son, Lion-O, grow up to be as
strong as noble as you, and may he continue to uphold the Code of Thundera.”
Lion-O & Clawdus: “Justice, Truth, Honor, Loyalty.”
Scarlett: “Sounds like an exert from the Constitution.”
Clawdus: “The tremors grow worse, go now, while you still can!”
Duke [as Clawdus]: “If you hurry, you might be able to catch He-Man when
you get home!”
Lion-O runs, stops, turns around, and looks at Clawdus, holding his arm up to
his chest in Thunderarian salute, with Kano by his side. Lion-O lifts his own arm
to his chest in similar fashion.
Lion-O: “Farewell… father!”
The scene fades back to 3rd Earth in the present, the Lair is still under attack
by the war-bot.
Really big flying discs enter the Cat’s Lair head through the broken eyes.
Cheetara takes out her staff and breaks one.
Duke: “Hey Scarlett, you set an example for animated women in action series
Scarlett: “Well, I try.”
Tygra takes out his whip, jumps into the air, wraps the whip around himself and
disappears just as one of the discs is about to hit him.
Duke: “What did Scotty just beam him up?”
The disc finds it way towards Snarf and starts chasing him.
Snarf: “Lion-O! Where are you? SNYARF SNARF!”
Duke: “Just what the Hell is that Snarf thing, anyway?”
Scarlett: “Alf’s cousin maybe?”
Gung Ho: “He’s got yellow hair on top of his head. Maybe he’s the LUV child
of Dennis the Menace and his faithful pet dog pal Ruff.”
Scarlett: “Oh you are just a demented swamp rat, you know that? You really
Gung Ho [with mock eloquence]: “Why thank you.”
The scene melts from the Cat’s Lair back to Thundera, which is in the middle of
blowing up right now.
Gung Ho: “Suddenly it’s Krypton.”
Scarlett: “You know guys, this thing’s pretty bad, but it’s nothing we can’t
Duke: “You’re right. I don’t know what that whole missing genitalia thing was
Shot of the Thundercats riding up a window elevator to their ship, with Panthro
holding the Time Capsule. All of them, except for old man Jaga, are naked,
even the kids. Cheetara’s breasts are visible, but there are no visible genitalia
among the men.
Duke: “What? Oh no! It’s… it’s… it’s the missing genitalia plot hole!”
All 3 Joes: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Scarlett: “This is a kids show! We can’t have any nudity!”
Gung Ho [looking up, shaking his fist]: “Damn you, Cobra Commander! Don’t
you have any sense of decency?”
Duke: “Easy G, easy.”
The ship takes off, the shot switches back to Lion-O running for his life as the
ground rises up and fire bursts out from the ground all around him. Duke,
Scarlett, and Gung Ho start humming the theme from Rocky (1976, Sylvester
Stallone, Carl Weathers, Talia Shire, and Burgess Meredith)
The scene switches back to the present, with the war robot shooting chains
onto the Cat’s Lair head.
Gung Ho: “Now is that supposed to be a cat head or a dog’s head? I can’t
Scarlett: “I think it’s supposed to be a panther’s head.”
Gung Ho: “Well it looks like a dog’s head.”
Duke: “Oh come on, knock it off you two.”
Panthro: “Bi-metals that hold on stone! Another Plundarrian brainstorm! Drive
them off, Thundercats!”
Panthro jumps out through the eye and wraps his nun chucks onto one of the
chains and starts yanking on it. Panthro is electrocuted with yellow energy, he
yells, and gets knocked back into the room.
Gung Ho [as Panthro]: “DOH!”
Cheetara runs out into the Lair mouth and smacks one of the chains with her
staff. She too is electrocuted with yellow energy, lets out a scream, and gets
knocked down to her knees, but manages not to catch her staff.
Duke: “That’s not gonna be good for us blondes.”
Tygra lassos his whip around another chain and begins pulling/yanking on it,
grunting all the time.
Duke [as Tygra]: “Heave, ho! Heave, ho!”
Scarlett: “Third time’s the charm.” (Tygra is electrocuted and knocked back
into the lair) “Or maybe not.”
Duke [as Tygra]: “Well that was dumb, can’t believe I did that!”
Gung Ho: “He obviously wasn’t paying attention earlier when Panthro and
Cheetara were zapped.”
The war-bot climbs up on the lair and starts to pull back and slowly yanks the
Lair head from its position on top of the lair shoulders.
Duke: “Oh it’s King Kong all of a sudden.”
Gung Ho: “Where’s Fay Wray?”
Tygra: “The lair head’s being torn off!”
Scarlett: “Thank you Dr. Obvious.”
Duke: “Good thing for us COBRA doesn’t have one of those things.”
Gung Ho: “That’s one Hell of an urban renewal plan they’ve got going there.”
Panthro: “Get below!”
The Thundercats run down through a secret door and go down to a lower
Gung Ho: “C’mon Angels, Bosely’s waiting!”
The robot jams its drilling hand into the wall of the Cat’s Lair and starts drilling
Panthro: “The war-bot, drilling away inside! Never thought I’d live to say this
but… Thundercats, stand by to abandon Cat’s Lair!”
Scarlett [as Cheetara]: “Alright, who forgot to pay the land lord this week?”
The Thundercats run away, but the war-bot shoots them with the gunk that
turned Frog-Dog into a statue, and turn into gray statues themselves.
All 3 JOES [as the Thundercats]: “DOH!”
Another shot of the time space continuum inside the capsule as Lion-O goes
hurling through it again and lands back in the control room.
Gung Ho [as Lion-O]: “OW! I fell on my keys!”
Lion-O gets up and runs up into the other room where he finds the other
Thundercats, including Snarf, to be statues.
Duke [as Lion-O]: “I swear I can’t turn my back on these people for a minute!”
Lion-O takes out the Sword of Omens and does his swing thing.
Lion-O: “Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, Thundercats! HO!”
The Cat Signal goes high in the air.
Scarlett: “Now he’s calling all his friends HO’S!”
Duke: “Let it go Scarlett, let it go.”
Gung Ho: “Oh now they’re ripping off Batman. Do these people know no
shame at all?”
The Cat Signal hangs high, the Thundercats eyes light up yellow, and they return
to normal, color and all.
Gung Ho [as Lion-O]: “How’s it going my hoes- DOH, that came out all
Panthro: “Lion-O! Where were you?”
Gung Ho [as Panthro]: “Where you in that place again with the munchkins and
the yellow brick road?”
Lion-O: “No time to explain! Stand back!”
Lion-O steps forward and starts firing yellow energy at the war-bot, and the
war-bot tries to deflect it back at him.
Panthro: “Lion-O, the war-bot feeds on energy, sends it back at you!”
Lion-O: “Not this time! Sword of Omens, give me power beyond power!”
Scarlett: “I didn’t know there was power beyond power.”
Lion-O sends the full energy of the sword at the robot, and knocks it out of and
off the lair.
Panthro: “You drove it back Lion-O, but it will attack again!”
Lion-O: “Not if I can face it on open ground, Panthro! Ready the ballista!”
Next Scene: Lion-O is standing on the ballista and is fired out of the lair and at
the war-bot, and just barely dodges being chopped in half by its claws and
jumps down to the ground.
Lion-O: “Thanks for the catch!”
Gung Ho: “Could this show have any worse jokes?”
Lion-O stands underneath the war-bot and waits for its foot to come down.
The other Thundercats run outside and watch in horror at a distance.
Snarf: “Lion-O! You’ll be stomped flat!”
Lion-O stands underneath and jams his sword in an outlet in the foot of the
war-bot, and white light engulfs him.
Duke [as Lion-O]: “Yeah, I’m the lead character of this show. Yep, that’s me,
pretty much. Lion-O, your friend, hi.”
The foot presses down on Lion-O, and the cats aren’t sure if he’ll make it out
Scarlett: “Wouldn’t it have been easier just to stick a potato in the exhaust
A surge of energy rises up and the war-bot explodes, Lion-O jumps out of the
way to avoid being crushed. The scene goes back to Castle Plundarr.
Slythe: “What this? The war-bot is down! It cannot, must not be!”
Gung Ho [as Slythe]: “We only had two payments left!”
Mumm-Ra: “But it is, Slythe, you bungler! Once again, you’ve failed to destroy
the Thundercats! Only I will destroy them, because I have real power! Magical,
mystical, power, AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Scarlett: “Boy that Mumm-Ra sure knows how to rub it in.”
The next morning, Lion-O, Panthro, Cheetara, Snarf, and Tygra are gathered in
the control room looking over the plans Lion-O got from Clawdus.
Panthro: “There was an outlet for the solar beams that Slythe energized it with!”
Tygra: “That reptilian villain never dreamed anyone would learn about it and
short circuit his super weapon!”
Gung Ho: “Yes he did, he was trying to get the plans from Clawdus earlier- oh
Cheetara: “That’s twice Clawdus has saved us. First when he piloted our ship
from Thundera, and now by giving Lion-O the plans for the war-bot.”
Duke: “What about Jaga?”
Scarlett: “Let’s not go there.”
Lion-O: “I should’ve saved him. I tried, but he wouldn’t leave.”
Duke [as Lion-O]: “He wouldn’t tape NYPD BLUE, he had to see it in
Panthro: “No, Lion-O. No one can change history. We can only learn from it.”
Scarlett: “Well actually you probably could change history, as shown in Back
To The Future, because if certain things never happened, then things in the
future won’t be the same.”
Tygra: “And we’ve got a few things to learn from that war-bot. It came within
an inch of destroying Cat’s Lair.”
Panthro: “C’mon, let’s get to work before those mutants attack again.”
Panthro, Tygra, Snarf and Cheetara file out, but Lion-O stays behind, looking
up through the hole in the roof where the head used to be.
Scarlett [as Cheetara on her way out]: “Now Lion-O, no more business trips,
Duke: “I still don’t get how he traveled back in time just by having a projected
image shine in his face.”
Lion-O: “Clawdus, my father, wherever you are, my thoughts and love go to
you. May we meet again, somewhere in time.”
An image of Clawdus and Kano appears in the hole, saluting Lion-O. Lion-O
salutes back, the scene fades out, and the credits roll.
All 3 JOES: “Hooray! Alright, let’s get out of here!”
“Well Dr. Mindbender, its been a half an hour, lets see what the results were!”
“Now if my calculations are correct, adjust for pie, their spirits should be
broken just about now!” Dr. Mindbender assured Cobra Commander and
Destro, breaking the math board in half. He turned on the computer screen, and
found Duke, Scarlett, and Gung Ho to be perfectly fine.
“You know, that thing kind of reminded me of Masters Of The Universe, only
it wasn’t very good,” said Scarlett.
“I don’t think we caught it at its best,” said Gung Ho.
“True,” said Duke. “But it could’ve been worse. They could’ve made us watch
the animated versions of the children’s books The Magic School Bus or
“Oh don’t even put that image in my head.”
“I don’t understand it, Destro!” Cobra Commander hissed. “That show
should’ve broken their will! Reduced Scarlett’s brain to a peanut! Encouraged
Duke and Gung Ho to rip each other’s heads off! And yet they thrive on it!
They grow… larger, more confident.”
“I told you it was a stupid scheme. This is the last time I let you formulate plan
while watching Comedy Central.”
Then the Cobra base began to shake.
“Commander, we’re under attack!”
“It’s G.I. JOE!”
Duke, Gung Ho, and Scarlett, had started a poker game up when they heard
knocking at the door. Duke walked over, put his ear to the door and asked,
“Duke, back up from the door, we’re gonna blow it open!”
Duke stepped back up a few cautious feet before bolting back towards Gung
Ho and Scarlett, yelling, “Get back! Take cover! Hit the dirt! Oh you know the
drill!” The three Joes huddled near in the corner and kept their hands over their
ears as the door was blown open by Bazooka.
“Knock, knock.” Bazooka joked.
“Duke, Scarlett, Gung Ho! Are you two alright?” Flint asked, making his way
through the smoke, then stopping when he saw them all in the corner, with
Scarlett between Duke and Gung Ho. “Oh I’m sorry, are we interrupting
“It’s not like that!” Duke protested standing up from the corner. “We’re alright,
though for a moment I thought our sanity might snap.”
“Why?” asked Flint.
“Because chrome cheeks forced us to watch a really bad cartoon show.
“Thundercats.” Gung Ho finished.
“Yeah, that was it.”
“Well, the snakes abandoned the base, but we managed to nab old chrome
The smoke cleared and Lady Jay entered the room, hauling Cobra
Commander in by his feet.
“Let go of me, woman! I command it!”
“He’s not being a good boy,” said Lady Jay.
“I’ve got just the thing to make him behave.” Gung Ho cracked his knuckles
with a grin.
“Wait a second, Gung Ho, I’ve got a better idea on what to do with old snake
“Give him a taste of his own medicine?” asked Duke grinning.
“You read me like a book, Duke.”
When they got back to base with Cobra Commander, Duke, Scarlett, and
Gung Ho forced him to watch the exact same episode of Thundercats. He came
out begging for mercy and a lawyer.
And they all lived happily ever after…
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